oh my god, MARKET BETTER ALREADY
[In case the title doesn't give it away, I'm coming in hot on this one. You've been warned.]
Over the last two weeks or so, I have received four separate cold emails from a person who works at a "lead generation company that helps libraries."
The first one says "I came across your website and read about your books." It offers to launch a marketing campaign to boost "registrations."
The email is not clear on what this means. A few points for context, though:
Since this went to my former Big Professional Blog's on-site email, I'm assuming this person "read" that site, where I did indeed post about library work.
"Read" is in quotation marks because if this person had actually read even one post, they would have realized I work in a school library. We don't have a "public." We have students.
I restrained the urge to write back "Thanks for pretending to have read my website. If you actually had read it, you would have realized I am a public school librarian. My only "registrations" are students who are enrolled in the district. If you believe your marketing campaign can induce more families to uproot their lives and move their households to this district in the middle of a school year, then by all means, please contact our administrative office."
I didn't, though. I left commercial Web writing to avoid picking pointless fights.
I got a quick follow up a week later, which I also ignored.
(The email signature says "PS Please let me know if you don't want to hear from me again." No. I didn't opt into this conversation and I'm not going to do the unpaid labor of opting out. Not when the "trash" button is right there.)
Today I got a third email:
"I wouldn't insist on connecting with you if I didn't believe we can add value to [your Big Professional Blog site's name]."
This one is my favorite so far.
It's my favorite because My Big Professional Blog no longer exists. I deleted it, and the entire Wordpress account to which it was attached, several days ago.
This person is offering to "add value" to a literal void. To something I considered so valueless I nuked it from orbit.
(Well, from my laptop. And I made a backup. But still.)
I'm feeling super confident you actually read my blog here, marketing person. Just really ultra reassured that you understand my brand.
That was sarcasm. But you didn't read my actual blog and you won't read this one.
I have developed a sudden, severe allergy to Web marketing, which is a damn shame, as I still rely on it to pay for my extravagant lifestyle of "eating food" and "sleeping under a roof." So I'm not going to give you all some diatribe about the right way to do cold emailing.
I'm just going to say: this is the wrong way.
And the fact that so many companies still do exactly this is why I hate it.